give everything - expect nothing

2003-07-17T17:51:00.000-04:00

"Deep breath. You can do this."

Unfortunately, so much crazy shit has happened to me in the past two years that this has become my slogan, my mantra. Not to give you the sob story, of course, but I have had so much trauma and horror in my life in the past two years that I think that either my Karma is in the shitter for something I forgot I did, or this is just the low end of my cycle, with riches and fame just moments away from dropping into my lap.

I mean, seriously, if you know me, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, just take my word that you wouldn't want to deal with some of what's come my way lately.

Notice, I said "some" of what has come my way. Not everything has been bad. Even though I consider the tragedy of the past 2 years of my life almost comedic with respect to its rhythm and consistency, I wouldn't say I feel terrible. I have some scars on my heart now, something I always romanticized before my life began including sad, terrible things. Now I've walked a few roads and see the path ahead much differently than I once did.

Aint nothin' gonna break-a my stride. I've got to keep on moving.

IN OTHER NEWS, I've decided to stop being obsessively insistant that my various creative outlets remain totally unrelated to one another, and so for those of you who, for some reason, think I have something valuable to say, here are a couple of links to other things I am involved with:

KamikazeWords.com is my other log, this one has actual content and stuff. More on the way, eventually, but you could kill an hour or two with what's currently there.

Zombie Apocalypse is a band I am in with some friends from another band called Shai Hulud. I write the majority of the lyrics for the band, and I scream 'em out loud, too. Our debut EP, "This Is a Spark Of Life" will be out on October 12 on Indecision Records.

2003-06-06T12:06:00.000-04:00

Do you really think that watching Cribs is good for you?

I mean, really - can you imagine if people were actually concerned with substance over style? Imagine it:

"Alright, MTV, you wanted to see my crib - here it is... This is my meditation room where I try to find balance in my life... This is my office, where I try to figure out how to share my good fortune with people who can't even afford cable and so they will never see this television show... This is my reflecting pool, where I spend time being thankful for my luck and praying for world peace..."

Of couse this sounds absurd, because in the end most people are unaware of themselves, their own actions and how what they do (or don't do) affects the world around them. It's easy to steep yourself in money and fashion when there is a gaping hole in your soul. You fill the hole with jewels and cars and televisions and whatever other bullshit you can find, and at the end of the day you are a slave to alcohol, or violence, or selfishness.

Make me the poorest man on earth and I will care about things that matter. Make me the richest man on earth and I will be hypnotized by things that glitter and gleam.

If your life lacks substance but has plenty of style, you had better face up and make some changes. The longer you wait, the more painful your realizations will be. You may be racist, sexist, homophoibic or just plain old inconsiderate, but at the end of the day your real fear is that you will one day be exposed to the world for the fearful and small person you have become.

2003-06-02T14:42:00.000-04:00

I guess nothing lasts forever

I recently lost my job - I was fired.

This made me really mad, on many levels. But I don't want to fixate on things that make me angry.

Life is too short.

2003-01-26T11:19:00.000-05:00

A list of some things that I have seen or been a part of in the past four years. (No order.)

- I spoke last words to a dying man who had a pool of blood and brains between his head and the street.

- I was headbutted by a grown man - it broke my nose and knocked me out. The next day, I was thrown down a flight of stairs by another man.

- I helped a woman who went into a seizure on the corner of 32nd Street and 6th Ave.

- I hung out with KRS-ONE

...The other day, a friend pointed out to me that I'm a magnet for 'happenings.' And although I cannot say that I recommend the feeling of running for your life, I can't say that having experienced that feeling didnt make me a better person.

The better you get, the more you realize that you are a total buffoon, plodding a clumsy course through life, largely unaware of how the things you do affect people and the world. Getting better makes you feel good, but it is very hard work - the world we inhabit is designed to confuse and mislead us. capitalism, religion, and government are not the same as Economy, Spiritualism, and Peace. What you see is not always what you get. And so on.

The trick is to take advantage of each real moment you get, and use it as a lens.

Have a great day.

2002-12-31T17:17:00.000-05:00

Check it out: I wish I could make some money from my blog.

Sure, it sounds like a shallow declaration. It might make you think that, somehow, what I’m writing here is less pure, less sincere – just because I wish I could get paid for writing.

I could take two routes in justifying the statement. One is that I can say with clear conscience that I wish I could make money off of anything that could make money for me. That doesn’t mean that I am not particular in choosing the things I will do in order to make money. I stay away from the choices that, for one reason or another, aren’t acceptable to me. Instead, I try to determine the most effective method for me to make money. The definition of “effective” is rich and multi-dimensional.

The second route in explaining the statement says that I would like to be a serious writer, paid for my insight because it has been determined by some to be valuable and deserving of the financial reward. This concept is the axle on which spins a cluster of inter-related industries which significantly contribute to the shape of the world in which we live.

Hey, we’re in the middle of a “bad” economy, right? I mean, I’ve got bills to pay. I’ve got student loans. I’m just a regular guy, living in an apartment in New Jersey, and I need more money. We all need more money. We are a part of the industry that tells us what we believe, whether we can see the signs or not. We are the cogs we dread becoming. We are the players, all of us.

People are not really impressed by the famous “stars” they idolize. They are really taken by an idea – that a chosen group of us will rise above the anonymity and reflect the very essence of life – a glorious incarnation that seems to breach the barriers of money, acceptance and validation. Sure, the stars may be sexy and the object of genuine attraction, but it goes way beyond that. I am convinced of it, and I’ll bet that if you think about it for a bit, you will be as well.

Let’s hear it for what’s authentic in life.

r

2002-12-26T09:40:00.000-05:00

Are you sure you know what "democracy" means?

Did you know that over one half of newly elected members of Congress are millionaires?

Yet, this country claims to have a representative government. As well all know, those with money tend to want to keep their money, and get more of it. This is called maintaining the standard of living you currently have, and making it better. What individual wants to have a poor standard of living? And what individual wouldn't like their standard of living to be as comfortable and convenient as possible? While there is a certain satisfaction in doing good, hard work to achieve some sort of payoff (financial, psychological, etc.), nobody likes to bust their ass past the point of balance and comfort. People like to relax - we love lesiure and free time to enjoy the good things the world can offer us. And we should love that free time - it helps us grow.

If you have to work all the time, you don't have time for life-enhancing, mind-expanding activities - activities like reading, making or enjoying art or music, and dialog with other people. Having time where you, as an individual, don't have to do anything you don't want to do is essential to growth and exploration. Exploration leads to expression. Expression leads to understanding. And so on.

So I would guess that some might argue: millionaires have lots of time to think about stuff, and their financial profiles typically help them gain the social capital necessary to operate at certain wide-scale levels of civilization. I mean, how many of us out here can say that we have the resources to get a new theater built, therefore enhancing the public sphere? Or maybe, who among us can call up the New York Times and get a hold of someone who can write and publish an article on a topic we find urgently important?

They have the capital. They are out leaders. But they do not represent us. By their definition of democracy, elected officials represent constituencies. But it costs a lot of money to become an elected official, and therefore the vast majority of us will never have a fair chance to become a Congressperson. A representative government with a majority of millionaire officials would have to represent a nation of voters who also are, for the most part, millionaires.

I'm not a millioaire. Are you?
r

ps - If you are a millionaire, I take paypal.

2002-12-19T12:57:00.000-05:00

Once, I saw a woman jump out of a building to her death.

It was the week after 9/11 and I was leaving work. I walked out of the elevator, through the lobby, and pushed the door open to exit onto the sidewalk. As soon as my forward foot hit the cement I knew that something was terribly wrong. The entire block had been cleared, with police and fire vehicles occupying the space across the street from where I stood. Still completely insane from what had happened down the street the previous week, and still in full Kurt Russel "Escape from New York" mode, I immediately assumed that we were all about to die, and that the death-bomb had, by fate or circumstance, been placed across the street from my office.

Instinct took over and I began to stride briskly in the direction of the train that could take me away from completely insane Manhattan. I got to the edge of the block, noticing people standing and staring in the direction from which I came, but I did not turn around. I grabbed my cel phone to call my coworkers, still on the eighth floor of my office building, a building on a cleared-off block that, for all I knew, was about to become a tomb for its occupants.

I dial as I walk. It rings. A coworker picks up - I tell her that they should be aware that the block has been cleared off, and that there are cops everywhere. As I'm speaking, I hear another coworker scream of panic in the background, and my coworker drops the phone. A couple of seconds later, my boss picks the up the phone and I ask him what the hell is going on.

"We know what's going on - don't worry, we're ok."

I asked him to be specific, to tell me exactly what was going on - and he did. A woman had jumped out of a window from the 12th floor of the building directly across the street from our office. Some of my coworkers saw the whole thing from the large windows facing the building across the street. A couple of other coworkers were just a few yards away from the whole thing as it happened. And in that minute, when the woman dropped from that 12th-floor window, I somehow managed to miss the gasps of horror and the discomforting thud the woman made when she landed. Somehow, in my panicked reaction to the scene I had stepped into, I missed the awful climax.

So I kind of lied. I didn't actually see a woman jump to her death. But I was there, a participant in the scene. And, if you couldn't tell, that scene sucked.

I thought I had it pretty awful in the days and months following 9/11. I was spooked, through and through. I avoided all public places and minimized my interaction with the subways, my mailbox, and tap water. And it's true what they say, you know - the dangers have always been there, they just seem more real now. But for me, the daily pressure of living and working in eyeshot of the WTC site was overwhelming. Having seen that level of disaster and human tragedy firsthand was crippling, if not transformative.

As I moved forward in the days, weeks, and months that followed the destruction of the WTC, I kept the 12-story woman in mind. She had been lucky enough to be alive, even after a great disaster - and she chose to give up on life anyhow. Of course, she must have had problems that drove her to take her own life. Or maybe she was already mentall ill, and the sorrow and drama of the time was the last straw. No matter what the circumstance was, the lesson remained the same.

When presented with death, we must take it as a reminder of the value of life. And it seemed to sad to me that, in the wake of such a horrible event, someone could just throw in the towel like that. I am often heard to say that it does not matter if you can be happy when things are good. It really only matters if you can be happy when things are at their worst. It's cheap and easy to enjoy your life when everything is going your way - but it's downright heroic to maintain your sense of balance and peace when the world around you is a warzone.

Everything that happens to you has a lesson to offer. If you're smart, you'll pay attention.

2002-12-18T17:11:00.000-05:00

I wrote this brilliant weblog, and it got erased.

Instead, here is something I wrote last month:

I can read your mind – you just want to be happy.
For different people, the idea of being ‘happy’ means different things. It’s kind of like when you hear someone describe what their personal heaven would look like: “My heaven would include all the people I love, and it would be the most beautiful place in the universe.” “My heaven would be a place where no one goes hungry and there is never violence or war.” “My version of heaven would have lots of tits everywhere, and a limitless supply of beer.”
Here are a bunch of quotes about happiness that I like:

“Happiness is not easily won; it is hard to find it in ourselves, and impossible to find it elsewhere.”
- Chamfort

“The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise man grows it under his feet.”

- James Oppenheim

“A man’s life is what his thoughts make of it.”

-Marcus Aurelius

“Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and all else will be added unto you. The Kingdom of Heaven is within.”

- Jesus of Nazareth

The similarity between these statements is obvious – happiness starts inside you. For many of us, it can be difficult to relate to this idea – we have been born into a world and forced to accept it “as-is.” Thousands of years of history have gone into building the foundation of our world, and we were not there for any of it. We’re just here, working at our jobs and going to school and paying our bills and trying not to die. At our worst, we are uninspired, defeated sacks of raw pain, so discouraged by the world and the people we know that life becomes little more than a constant cycle of drudgery and escapism, drudgery and escapism.

From the day that recorded history began and in each day before and after, humanity has continued to change. Our methods and tools, clearly observable through written record and artifacts, changed with our ability to develop increasingly more complex ideas, and therefore, realizations. Barbarism gave way to feudalism, feudalism to capitalism, etc. We have gone from carrier pigeons to instant messenger, from owning two pairs of home-made pants to having a closet full of over-priced, over-styled jeans. Women can own land, but they don’t run many countries. And countries – what a wonder of the modern age! With lines drawn in sand and a child-like fear that everyone is out to get everyone else, countries represent an embarrassing if not necessary step in the further ‘civilization’ of the world.

Let’s talk about countries for a moment. The vanguard of the scene – let’s call them the first world countries of the world – they all love to talk proudly about how their ideals, etched into policies and institutions, work toward the provision of an increasingly happy life for all citizens therein. It’s frequently referred to as ‘progress.’

Now in order for progress to be desirable to the masses, there must be some sort of existing condition or paradigm that needs changing. Maybe a lot of people are poor and need jobs. Maybe there is a low literacy rate. Maybe there is a culture of sexism that is in its last gasp, with the ladies in the house about to show the fellas what’s really up.

Whatever it is, the result is typical. A group of powerful people has a bunch of meetings, writes some ideas down on paper and brings it to the people – and they say “Hey, everybody, listen to us! We see the root of your unhappiness and we have developed a plan that will help us make our lives better.” The guiding principals of this miracle plan are usually based in a particular philosophy or spiritual identity, and typically the enactment of the plan requires considerable financial resources. “A divine vision has come to me – now give over your life so I can make it better.”

The complexities of law, government, and broad social institutions escape most of us on an almost constant basis. Our days are full of things like having lunch, having conversations, having things we have to have to do.

Many of you reading this may be offended by this notion – thinking to yourself, “Not me – I’m smarter than that.” –Maybe you read a lot and partake in debate, or write your reflections in a journal, reflect your awareness of reality through art, etc. You do something that reflects your reaction to living. You are a slave to your expression, whether you like it or not – for every influence and presence in your time here on earth manifests itself in some sort of reaction that you provide upon the entrance of that influence or presence. Whether your reaction is overt or understated to the point of being invisible to the casual passerby, you have a reaction to everything you encounter in life.

In this modern age, the influences and presences in our daily lives represent the mandate of idealogues, shaping their science of social existence into documented law and statute.

---

whattya think?

r

2002-12-13T13:16:00.000-05:00

Snake Oil for sale.

Daytime television is host to 'cold readers' like John Edward. Edward's popular television show, Crossing Over, is on almost all levels a straight re-hash of the social engineering performed by phony mediums that were all the rage with rich white folks in the first half of the twentieth century. Through verbal manipulation, these charlatans prey on the sentiment of loving memory; they project the theatrics and deception of old-school parlor tricks out to the world - a world full of stay-at-home moms and culturally deprived bumpkins who need something, anything, to make them think that life isn't anything but struggle.

People do not WANT to believe. People NEED to believe. Many choose to organize the mass need to believe with rituals, interpretations of history, and wars. Others choose to believe in nature, or the self, or the party. Some even choose to believe by joining those who believe that belief is bad for us. Think about it.

Remember the theme song to Mr. Belvedere? "According to our new arrival/Life is more than mere survival/And we might just live the good life yet." Don't tell me television never taught mee anything, because life IS more than mere survival. Or at least, it should be. We are at our best when we make art, save lives, dance and sing and run and jump and soar and climb and swim and move. But our disagreements and need to believe in something keep our time from us.

We are not so fancy after all.

r

2002-12-12T11:50:00.000-05:00

I'm like, STILL completely clueless.

Basically, you are given a day and an opportunity to make something out of it. You are not really promised anything beyond the moment you have before you.

Bang!
You get hit by a car.
You have a heart attack.
You catch a stray bullet in the back.

And then, just like that - with no respect for the plans you had for dinner, or the weekend - you realize that you are about to die.

Just like that.

Governments, institutions, houses of God, hear me now: Your plans for tomorrow, while important, are not all we need to know. We need to know ourselves better as we are right now - without the opportunities promised by your programs and tenets. We need to look at what we are doing, not only what might be done.

We need to be better.

Just like that.

r

2002-12-07T19:51:00.000-05:00

Today I tried something new.

The list of reasons why me and snowy sports never seemed to meet includes items like this:

Snow sports are for whitey.
I don't like the cold.
I don't want to spend money for the right to play around on God's Green Earth.
I'm awkward.
I don't want to get hurt.

...and so on, and so forth.

But today, I busted my ass on a mountain for the first time ever, and it was great. I fell over a hundred times. I was being shown-up by a 5-year-old.

Please don't mistake me for the typical 1st-timer, proud of her/his accomplishments: "It was hard, but I was determined. And although I didn't do very well, I tried my best and ended the day better off than how it began."

Nope. None of that self-congratulatory horseshit for this guy. All I want to say is that my fucking wrists hurt, and it's good to be alive.

r

P.S. - Most weblogs are trite, mundane drivel. Please, loyal readers - if I ever begin listing the meaningless events of my day, someone must promise to take me out (and I don't mean to the movies). This is my pledge to you: I will never insult you, the reader, by wasting your time with substanceless log entries. (Example: "Today I ran some errands after work. After battling with myself over what toilet paper is best for me, I went over to Holly's house and had a couple of beers.") All hacks can go screw.

2002-11-15T11:33:00.000-05:00

The internet kicks ass, and I'm going to tell you why.

First of all, I never touch this thing. Although I am occasionally greeted by a kind email message from someone who happened to stumble upon this weblog, I still maintain that no one really reads what I write here. It's possible that by convincing myself that these words will never be read, I am able to put my thoughts down in a somehow more pure and honest way. Maybe.

The last time I logged in to Blogger to edit my weblog, we were six days into the 'new normal.' Of course, life was anything but normal at that point, and as a New Yorker the following weeks and months were shaped almost exclusively by the tragedy of last autumn's violence. Pictures of lost loved ones. The smell of ground zero. Spontaneous instances of sobbing. It was a heavy time, a formative time.

A lot can happen in a year, I suppose. But a lot can happen in an instant, too - and so I say to you, my blank page - don't waste your time. Don't stop moving forward. Don't stop looking inward. Don't stop growing upward. Don't stop, because the stopping will be done for you eventually.

It's true - there is so much to say, and so little time.

Thanks to those of you who continued the dialog I started on this digital page. Even if I never write again, I promise I won't let you down.

r

2001-09-17T23:49:00.000-04:00

Click HERE to help efforts in NYC and D.C.

Writing is not easy. When you write, you are largely concerned with communicating something to an audience. Whether you write a sentimental letter to a solitary lover, or a news story designed to communicate specific information in a specifc way - you are writing for an audience.

I have written for various audiences, from frustrated suburban boys to sophisticated professionals and academics. I have communicated to people in an array of situations, and I tend to think that I am pretty good at it. So it is at this unfathomable time in human history, this fever-pitch moment of the lives of most people on the planet, that I am struggling to find words for what I feel. It's not that I don't know what to say - it's that I don't know where to begin.

Tomorrow will be one week since the attack on the World Trade Center here in New York City. Currently, I sleep only when I can no longer stay awake. My heart races almost constantly, and I snap up at any moderatley loud noise. I was not at what many are calling "ground zero" but I was close enough to see enough, and to consider myself lucky. As a child, I was told by my mother about her childhood in Israel, where terrorism is a part of daily life and the psychology of the populace reflects this starkly. Her toughened yet still beautiful presence saddened me as a young man, as I grew resentful of a world that routinely deprives itself of its own potential. In the past week, I feel as if I have inherited my mother's scars, and those of millions throughout time who have suffered at the hands of their own kind, the human kind.

So now, in writing this, I'm supposed to communicate something to someone. And for the first time in my life, I feel like its possible, if not entirely likely, that almost anyone would be interested in what I have to say. I feel like this is possible because New Yorkers, Americans, Europeans, folks from the Near, Middle and Far East, South Americans, Africans, Australianers, New Zealanders and whomever else you'd like to throw in there, have all just borne witness to an event so seemingly cataclysmic and huge that almost everyone in the world is wondering simply, "what comes next?"

And so you might be like me - dazed, frightened, unsure - and in some way fumbling for something to hold on to. Some people hold on to their faith in a God - pick a flavor, there are plenty to choose from. Some people cling to the idea of a nation, defending its ideals and fighting for its freedom. Yet others cling to pointing out worst-case scenarios, cover-ups and whispers of misinformation and conspiracy. Some find reassurance in simple jingoism, racism or the rush of the mob mentality. But no matter what, you're looking for something to hold on to. You, the humans of the earth, are my audience.

For the first time in my life and the lives of many others, very consequential war is happening. Our species has warred with itself many times and, in some respect, time has brought us varying degrees of social and political maturity. I will not speak of "fundamentalism" or "democracy." I will not speak of the will of any God or the resolve of any government. I will follow the first rule of writing, which is to write what you know.

What I know is that I feel helpless, and terrorized. Some will say that having these feelings is defeat, but I have no time for machoism, defensiveness or anything in between. I was born into a world that was already made and will not be blamed for having my reactions as a thoughtful, emotionally aware human being. I own my fear, even if I can't control my life.

My audience is an audience that wants to live. My audience knows what makes them happy, and what brings tears. My audience wants to understand, and live peacefully. My audience likes food, shelter, and a quality of life which suits its needs. Beyond that, people in my audience want a life for themselves and their loved ones that is accomodating beyond needs, into the realms of the ideal. Because we are so many, our expressions of these traits differ accordingly. But make no mistake, all people want to be happy.

Across the world and across the street, you will find in the face of all humans a reflection of what you are. This is YOUR audience. People, much like you, fumbling eternally for utopia, wondering when we will get there, and experimenting with different means. In our time, this world is aware of itself more than ever, as we have shattered barrier after barrier - communication, transportation, medicine. We are now within arm's reach of each other at all times. As our ride through getting to know each other gets bumpy, we can choose to shove and push in order to insure our own footing - or we can lock arms and move as one body with the current. Right now there is a lot of pushing and shoving going on. The scope of our current situation has threatened to leave me emotionally ruined. But if given time, broken hearts can heal.

You are my audience. And I am your single, solitary lover.

2001-07-17T21:02:00.000-04:00

Cola and Underwear

There is this commercial for cola that comes on telvision once in a while. I won't say which cola, but be assured that it is a major one. In this commercial, a 30-something blond woman in spectacular shape pans through the screen this way and that, as a male voice describes the woman's underwear-related activities. He explains that when he first married the woman, she wore sexy underwear, the kind you see in underwear ads. After a while, he explains, the woman began wearing the kind of underwear he saw as a child, crumpled up in the hamper - obviously, his mother's. There is a pause, and a softly endearing shot of the female star of the commercial, staring directly at the viewer. At this point, the man says with finality that there is something oddly reassuring about faded cotton underwear printed with little yellow flowers.

Go buy a cola.

2001-07-17T13:11:00.000-04:00

Fear

Fear is a basic animal instinct. Human beings exhibit many of the same physical expressions of fear as other mammals, such as the bearing of teeth, making loud noises, and losing control of one’s bowels. Fear drives people to act irrationally or without attention to reason. Many drowning victims don’t actually die from the inhalation of water and subsequent suffocation. Instead, they die of a heart attack before suffocation can occur, because they are so aware and afraid of their own impending termination. They freak out, lose it, and their heart explodes.

As people, many of us tend to think that we are pretty fancy. Even those who can understand a context for humanity within the animal kingdom, we are super-sophisticates. No other animal has built cities. No other animal has a discipline of medicine. No other animal has left the planet. We are damn fancy. But for all of our refinements, we still exhibit many of the traits of our ancient ancestors and living cousins. Because we have placed the operations of our life into such sophisticated and “civilized” mechanisms and belief systems, our more “feral” activities are either converted to taboo status or are repressed after being vilified or misidentified.

How do we deal with fear?

2001-07-16T12:54:00.000-04:00

No one reads this and that is ok.

2001-07-13T17:40:00.000-04:00

Violence

Violence is the slamming of a door. Violence is a punch in the face.
Violence is one person raping another. Violence is gunshots in the street.
Violence is the crush of capitalism on the poor. Violence is salvery.
Violence is the tsunami. Violence is the earthquake.
Violence is a solar flare. Violence is a comet colliding with a planet. Violence is a sun becoming a supernova and burning an entire solar system in moments.

Violence is animals killing and eating each other for survival.
Violence is breaking a pencil in two when you’re frustrated.
Violence is protecting yourself against an intruder in your home.
Violence can be used to bring liberty. Or can it?

Violence is a mosh pit.
Violence is a football game.
Violence is the hurricane that brings rain so that flowers can grow.
Violence has been heralded as the only tool by which to bring peace.

Do violence and peace exist simultaneously?

2001-07-13T17:35:00.000-04:00

Change

Change is an integral element of anything that exists. . Look at your own body and mind for a moment and wonder aloud – “I am me, and have been me since I was born. Also, I will be me when I die. But I am different now than I was ten years ago. Also, I will be different ten years from today.”

You will always be you. But imagine how impacting any of these changes might be:

You become a quadriplegic.
You watch your father rape your sister.
You are beaten severely for the color of your skin or sexual orientation.
You are wrongly indicted and incarcerated for a crime you didn’t commit.
You have your first child.
Your child dies.

We track change and study the way it moves. We listen to the change in the notes in our favorite songs. We follow the changes in plot lines of our books and movies. A central pillar of our civilization, if not THE central pillar, is the world we have built around the industry of change. From the changes in the seasons which allow us to grow food at certain times of the year, to projected changes in third quarter earnings at any run of the mill Fortune 500 company, we track changes and fall mercilessly to our need to predict how they will affect us. We attempt to determine what it is we should do to maximize our happiness in relation to currently occurring or coming changes. We try to outsmart the future, or at least match its wits, so that we can perpetuate our civility, our cleverness that allows us to manipulate the circumstances of our lives. We justify this by citing the inarguably positive developments which have made life on earth a more accommodating proposition.

2001-07-13T17:14:00.000-04:00

Happiness

Happiness is what we need to stay sane on the journey through life on Earth. It is what we seek and is at the root of all that occurs. We look to find ways to increase our happiness, develop complex schemes and simple ones as well. It is not out of the question for people to take the happiness of others away in order to increase their own.

Happiness is the ability to be at peace with the moment. Moments are fleeting, and are shaped by changes in circumstance and environment. Moments come in all flavors, from blissful to excruciating. The moments we encounter which play to the extreme ends of the spectrum can be overwhelming, blinding and disorienting. It is in these moments when our happiness, or peace with the moment, is most susceptible to being knocked far off one way or the other. We become ecstatic with joy and scream aloud, flapping our arms or jumping around as our brains resonate with the vibrancy of the moment. We crumble to our knees and sob uncontrollably when first struck with grief or horror. In these moments, when we are least in mastery of our animalistic expressions of emotion, our focus shifts from totality and moves toward the event of the moment – the miracle or the tragedy. In this intense moment there is no peace. Certainly there is no peace for the individual who has had the bad experience. But the winner of so-called “good fortune” is not at peace either. The joy they experience is from the idea of what they gain by their good fortune. Immediately, life before the good fortune’s arrival shines with a duller luster than it previously displayed. You might say that your life was fine before fortune smiled upon you, but you will certainly not decry the value of life’s newfound enhancements.

Should be aspire to give everything and expect nothing? Is our love unconditional?